Marriages: God's rock polishing machine

This past New Year’s Day, I was honored to officiate the marriage of my middle son, Matthew, and his lovely bride, Natalie. It was very emotional observing my son’s overwhelming joy as he watched his bride come down the aisle. While I gazed at them through moist eyes, my voice cracked a bit as I began the service. But the preacher held it together long enough to get them properly hitched!
This column contains some of the marital wisdom I shared with them. It ain’t rocket science, but it might help someone out there who’s struggling in their own marital relationship to understand that even though marriage isn’t an easy calling, it’s a very holy one. It’s all about love, but what’s that mean?
Matthew and I had a long discussion a few weeks before the wedding about what true love really is. The only thing we agreed on was that it’s not what everyone thinks it is. The best definition that I know of comes from 1st Corinthians 13.  “Love is patient, Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love is not boastful, arrogant or rude.  Love does not insist on it’s own way. Love is not irritable or resentful. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. Love never ends.”
Anyone paying close attention will notice that these words describe Jesus perfectly. That’s no accident. This description of love fits Jesus to a tee only because he’s the Son of God, and God is love, although love is not God. We’re able to love at all, only because God loves us first. Even though we don’t deserve it, God still loves us. His merciful grace of love and forgiveness always comes to us as a totally unexpected surprise!
So if Jesus is our model, then all we need to do is imitate Jesus, and we’re home free, right? If only it were that simple. The only way we’re able to truly love the way 1st Corinthians describes it, is if we allow God’s power to move in our hearts and become a light that shines on our own personal darkness. Only then can we be an extension of that light to others, especially our spouse. Marital success is largely determined by the extent to which God is in our life.
Jesus gives a new commandment:  “Love one another in the same way that I have loved you.”  On the cross, Jesus prays for those who crucify him. “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  What an act of love!  There are times in marriage when it becomes obvious to one spouse that the other doesn’t know what he or she is doing and someone gets emotionally hurt. That’s the hard truth.
The most important word to remember at times like that isn’t “Love.” It’s “forgive.” Memorize that word. Learn what it means. And do it all the time. The two main ways we learn to love like Jesus, is “Don’t judge, and never stop forgiving.”  God’s forgiveness is the most creative power in human experience, and he gives it to us to share. It’s power makes things new again. Someone once listed seven keys to a successful marriage: forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive. Can you remember those? 
Now clearly, I’m not talking about grossly dysfunctional cycles of abuse that breed unhealthy relationships and have no hope of ever changing. Treating someone like garbage, or allowing someone to chronically treat you like that, either emotionally or physically, is never acceptable. But that’s a subject for another time. I’m talking about those more common times of seemingly unintentional selfish behavior and unreasonable resistance to common sense.
There are times when we say or do something that creates mutual irritation and a big argument of words ensues. After cooling off, someone apologizes and asks for forgiveness. The other chooses to forgive, making available the opportunity for reconciliation. This is intended to be a repeated cycle throughout the marriage as an exercise in grace, so that as couples learn to be more sensitive to one another and less focused on themselves, with God’s help, they’ll develop the character of true love.
Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Christian Marriage sometimes feels like a holy, rock polishing machine and we’re the rocks, with lots of very rough edges.  Those sharp, jagged edges sometimes rub against one another in unpleasant ways that are naturally irritating. The friction is sometimes quite painful because it’s designed to be. It’s a bummer, but some discomfort is often needed for emotional growth to take place. Marriage is designed to help us work out our rough spots in a safe, supportive and committed relationship. It forces us to address our fears as well as our dreams.
We ALL start off as pretty rough rock specimens as far as relationships go, but if married couples stay the course, there’s a very good chance that, in time, they’ll emerge as smoothly surfaced, highly polished gems that’ll bring them both much joy. You see, the point of marriage is to produce a more vivid reflection of the Image of God in our lives. When given a chance, marriage has the power to teach us what authentic love really means, and in doing so, better prepare us for the Kingdom of God.
More next time on romantic love, feelings, needs and passion in marriage.