Fickle feelings often fail us

In my last column I reflected on marriage by discussing the biblical definition of love, the reality that couples naturally irritate one another from time to time, and the necessity of not judging and practicing forgiveness. Now I want to focus on the unreliability of feelings as indicators for evaluating a marriage’s overall health. For instance, the euphoric feeling of romantic love is a great feeling, but as our President likes to say, it’s unsustainable. Even though this feel-good love has the power to bring us together, it can’t keep us together. God created romantic feelings to attract us to one another, so we can begin to evaluate a potential lifelong mate. But staying power requires a much deeper love.
This blissfully, irrational, head-over-heels love is precisely what our culture teaches us to covet. You history buffs will remember the small group of revolutionaries who invaded America in 1962. The Beatles were cultural icons and their musical influence went a long way in convincing young people, during the 1960’s “free love” era, that “All you need is love.”  The feeling they sang about was merely a teaser to real love.
Too many broken marriages mistake those dry spells when loving feelings begin to dissipate, as a sign that it’s all over, the love is gone.  Not true. Scripture says that “love never ends” (I Corinthians 13:8). If love ends, it’s not real love. Good feelings aren’t love, anymore than bad feelings are the absence of love. Feeling in love is not synonymous with being in love. Romantic love points and directs us to something beyond itself, toward a deeper love that’s designed to never end because it’s expression relies on a power beyond ourselves—where all true love has it’s origin—in God. While this love isn’t devoid of feelings, neither is it dependent on them.
When couples exchange their preliminary vows, they make their declaration of true love toward the other by answering the questions “I will” not “I do.”  That’s future tense, not present tense.  This expresses their decision to make a commitment to do those things they promised, regardless of what feelings the future brings, in circumstances both good and bad.
There may be times when our spouse feels like an enemy, and those loving feelings just aren’t there.  What do we do?  Love them anyway, remembering that feelings are fickle---they come and go. Loving actions tend to reproduce loving feelings. They’re the antidote to negativity.  The more we learn to DO love, the more we learn to BE love.  Both spouses have to be committed to this.  If they are, their marriage can become the best teacher they’ve ever had about how to love. It’s no easy thing to do, but if we learn and practice doing love, we’ll grow in maturity and joy.
By popping the bubble on the “feelings are love” myth, I don’t mean to paint a grim picture. On the contrary, I’m trying to paint a beautiful picture, albeit a realistic one.  While we cannot recapture the initial intensity of those wonderful, original feelings that attracted us, it’s fairly easy to cultivate at the heart of our marriage new romantic experiences. 
The best practical advice for marriage that I know comes from the last verse of Ephesians 5.  “Husbands, cherish your wives. And wives, respect your husbands.” That addresses the greatest needs of both men and women. When a woman feels cherished by the most important man in her life, that gives her the sense of security she craves. So the husband’s job is to find out what it takes to make his wife feel cherished. Likewise, when a man feels respected by the most important woman in his life, that gives him the self-confidence he craves. So the wife’s job is to find out what makes her husband feel respected.  This is not to say that women don’t want respect or that men don’t want to be cherished, but those are the primary needs that one usually finds for each gender.
In 32 years of marriage, I’ve learned some pretty effective ways to make my wife feel cherished.  Candy and flowers are nice, but it doesn’t have near the impact that helping her do the laundry, clean the bathrooms, prepare a nice meal and wash the dishes do. Follow that up with a neck and foot massage and I guarantee the work will pay off in loving dividends. The simple act of making your wife feel cherished results in what Shania Twain sang, “I feel like woman.” My wife taught me the principle that intimacy in the bedroom begins in the kitchen. 
On the flip side, my wife’s opinion of me matters more than anybody else.  I trust her to advise me, to give honest but gentle feedback on my sermons, and to encourage me in hard times by showing her trust in my abilities.  When I feel that Karen believes in me, my confidence soars. I can take on the world. Receiving the respect of the woman who’s the most important person in my life, makes me “feel like a man.”  When a woman feels cherished and a man feels respected, the embers of passionate marital romance will become inflamed! 
Are we perfect at doing this?  Of course not!  But as long as we practice mutual forgiveness, articulate our emotional needs, and turn our relationship over to God, the Lord grants us the strength to do the best we can. Initially, my attraction and desire for my wife developed and grew into feelings of love. Now after 32+ years, it’s my deep love for my wife that elicits feelings of desire.  Marriage is a hard road at times. But through lots of sticktuitiveness, and God’s grace, it’s well worth the ride!